She's a Runner

"You can't outrun your feelings."-Larry (aka the coolest therapist ever. The Larrapist)

I have a little bit of a problem with running. When my life feels a little out of control, I run. I either pack up my belongings and move away on a whim, or I put on my tennis shoes and I actually run. But I run. When it boils down to "Fight or Flight", I am most definitely flight.

I started with moving around a lot. The first time I ran, I wanted to get away from everything I knew at home. I thought maybe if I left, it would be like all the trauma, mistakes, and horrid memories were never real. I could start over new and it would be like they never even happened. Moving 60 miles away wasn't enough. 500 miles wasn't enough. 1,600 miles away and I still couldn't seem to shake it. It was still there.
So I kind of gave up on that for the time being. The urge to leave was still there, but instead of packing up and running, I started lacing up and running. Fine, I was stuck in this town, but I could still run. I was 18 when I started running. Really running. It seemed to be the answer to everything. Angry? Run. Sad? Run. Frustrated? Embarrassed? Anxious? Shame? Panic? Fear? Boredom? Happiness? Run, run, run.
My running also coincided with the onset of my eating disorder so when I began treatment at an inpatient/residential center, my habit of running was quickly pounced upon by my therapist. Both forms of running. I was told I had AWOL tendencies and was Exercise Dependent. You don't say?
I was running to avoid things. Whether it be confronting someone, or feelings, or my past, I was subconsciously trying to get away.
My therapist put it very simply, "Whatever made you run will still be there when you get back." If I don't deal with the root of the issue, running isn't going to do anything but provide a temporary relief. "Like a drug", he said. "Sure it feels great while you're doing it, and for a little while afterward things seem alright. But you haven't actually fixed the problem. You can't outrun your feelings. And you can't outrun your past."
I had never thought of it like that before. So he challenged me-when you want to run, think about WHY you want to run, and think of another way to deal with that. Maybe it's an emotion and I have to feel it and sit in the discomfort that it brings. Maybe it a old memory or piece of my past and I need to distract myself or do something to create a new memory.
But let me tell you-a challenge it truly is. The concept seems easy. But lacing up my running shoes or gassing up my car for a little road trip often seems easier.
And I've gotten much better since I've been back from treatment for the past couple months. I've slipped up here and there. It still feels like there's a lot to run from.
But I just have to remember, "Whatever made [me] run will still be there when [I] get back." There are better ways to fix this.

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