I Want My Life Back

     I don't know if this is really much of a blog article compared to maybe a journal entry, but here goes anyway.
     I'm sitting in my room, for the 3rd week in a row with no social plans. No friends to spend time with. Too scared to go anywhere by myself.
     Don't get me wrong, I have friends, but not really "hang out" friends. We'll text and we'll see each other at church on Sunday's, but not much else. And I'd love to spend time with them outside of church, but I'm not really sure how to initiate. Or even if they'd be interested.
So here I sit. Overwhelmed by a suffocating sense of loneliness. Scared to reach out to anyone for fear of being burdensome.
     My social life and my friends. Just a couple of the many things that my eating disorder has taken from me.
     In this very moment, I am very motivated to seek out recovery options again. I stopped getting help about 7 weeks ago. Again. Partly out of cost (no insurance, and my other financial assistance fell through), partly out of pride, out of shame, and maybe even out of convenience. After all, change is rarely easy.
     But since about the middle of last week, I have had an overwhelming surge of desire to get help. So I emailed my dietitian and got put on the wait list. And I contacted a good friend who's helping me look at out of state options. And I filled out and submitted more health insurance applications.
In the middle of all of this, I asked myself why, RIGHT NOW, do I want to get better? And the distinct thought came to me, "I want my life back."
     I want friends. I want to hang out with my friends. I wan to go to restaurants. I want to go out on dates. Weddings. Parties. Dances. I want to feel safe driving again. Road trips. Seat-dancing in the car to country music. I want to have energy and strength to do things. To dance around my room to stupid pop songs that I love but will never admit to loving. I want to run and bike. I want to go out for breakfast dates, or hot cocoa, or milkshakes with a handsome guy. Ice-skating. Popcorn and Netflix. I want to be able to focus and concentrate. Read more. Read longer. Keep studying. I want my creativity back. To sit down and draw or paint for hours before running out of ideas.
     All of these, plus so many more. All things that my eating disorder has convinced me are worth giving up in the pursuit of this idea of perfectionism and false sense of self-control. I don't want those anymore. I want my life back.
     I want to feel like I'm worth something. I want to be proud of myself. And if not proud, at least not disgusted. I'll settle for neutrality until I can learn love.
     I'm done with this but I can't get better by myself. So until I can see my dietitian, or get healthcare, or go into treatment, I will do all in my power to cling to this:
I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

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