The Ginger Just Wants to Set Some Things Straight

     After I had opened up to a close friend about my eating disorder, she said to me, "If you think you're fat, you must think I'm obese."
NO.
JUST-NO.
Let me please take a moment to discuss this for everyone.
     My body image and my self-esteem is a reflection of MY BODY ONLY. Not only does my disorder distort what I see in the mirror, but it also limits what I see about myself as a person.
     When I look at you I see you, not your body. I see someone who is good with children, who makes me laugh, who loves to dance, who is good at sports. Someone who has a stubborn streak, but a compassionate heart. I see a person who will go out of their way to serve those around them and a person who is kind and loving and funny and crazy and amazing. I see YOU. And I can say with 100% certainty that your body doesn't define who you are, and that what you look like will never change what I think about you or how much I love you.
     But for a reason unbeknownst to me, I feel like that same thought process will never apply to myself. Not only do I feel as though I can't see myself like that, I also feel like I am not worthy of that from anyone else. The love I receive, how many friends I have and how much they like me, my worth essentially, is based on my body-A statement that my logical mind knows is an utter lie, but I have a difficult time believing the truth.
     So, no. I don't think you're "obese." or ANYTHING in the like.

     And to be truthful, I don't think I'm fat, either. "Fat" is not a feeling. I feel unworthy, and angry, and alone, and out of control, and unlovable, and so many other things, but I do not feel "fat". It's a word that I've decided to take and label all of my negative emotions with, so that it can appear as though  there's an easy solution to taking care of them.
     If I say I feel fat, the easy "solution" is to lose the fat, right?
     But when I say I feel unworthy, the remedy isn't quite as easy to find.

     I'm sure you've heard the quote, "If you talked to your friends like you talk to yourself, would you have any friends?"
It's a question that I've been thinking about a lot.
Because, no- I most certainly would not.
So I am desperately trying to learn how to see myself the way I see them-and you.
As a person. Not a body.

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